I remember the first time sitting in this waiting room and thinking that I did not belong there, I was 40 years old and way too young to have breast cancer. I had a husband, daughter and family to think about out, there was no time to think that I may die from this, the only thoughts I had were that I was going to beat this.
So now, 6 months to the day after I began my first chemotherapy I want to smile and shout in the waiting room that I beat Cancers Ass, that I was able to fight and win. Maybe a little selfish, the outcome is not the same for everyone, there are many women and men who fight their butts off and still loose the battle. Then I start to question why me, I was able to survive while another little girl and husband loose the love of their lives and tears the family to shreds, survivors guilt is what they call it.
Blood tests are done and now I wait for the oncologist to call me into his office. The results are revived right away by the doctor. My name is called and my husband and I walk into the room with a lump in our throats. Dr. B is so patient and takes the time to listen to your questions and concerns, I had a few.
After the chemotherapy that landed me in the hospital I began to experience lots of pain in my hands, arms and legs. The pain has not gotten better since completing chemo, there are days where I cannot tolerate the pan I my fingers or shoulders, getting dressed is very difficult at times due to the pain in my shoulders. There is obviously some inflammation caused by the radiation therapy but I may have developed arthritis due to chemo, I will be seeing a rheumatologist for more testing. Also, lets not forget the forced menopause which is a nightmare...hot, cold, happy, sad, mad.....wow.
I was afraid to ask him about the blood test results, I did not want to hear that there was something not right. I was thrilled when he said that all of my blood work came back normal and that he was pretty sure that I can put this journey behind me.....easier said than done.
The past ten months I have trying to be strong for my husband, my daughter, my family and friends, I was dealing with the devastation s best I knew how to, I had my moments of anger and tears but lots in solitude, not to scare my husband....I had to show I was strong but inside I was lost. Well ten months later and my security blanket is gone, no more daily doctors, nurses, blood tests follow ups, they are always just a phone call away and my follow ups are every three months. Every pain, every headache, every change is a terrifying feeling for me....I am now realizing what just happened to me, sounds cray I know but quite common according psychologists, we are so focused on treatment and getting better that sometimes we don't really absorb what is happening until it's all over.
I am not ashamed to say that I asked my oncologist for a referral to see a psychologist, I need to be able to learn how to cope with everything. I woke up one morning and found a lump in my left breast and it changed my life forever....I need to learn how to accept that change and embrace life.
Being a breast cancer survivor is great and an amazing feeling, but it is also the scariest feeling in the world.
Love you all, especially my rock
Franca
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