2017 ended with some pestering symptoms for me, that became very worrisome. I saw my family doctor end of December 2017 and explained to him that I was experiencing unusual headaches that were quite frequent ( almost everyday), I began to have difficulty breathing, difficulty with forming a clear sentence (the word was in my head but not coming out of my mouth) and the intensity of my pain was increasing on a daily basis. He assured me that I was doing well and that I should not worry, he is always bang on with his recommendations, but having had cancer, I no longer take chances. My oncology follow-up was scheduled for April 2018, there was no way I was going to wait that long. Even though I am done with treatments, the oncology nurse is always there to listen to our concerns, I explained to her the situation and she was able to move up my appointment from April to Feb 22.
And so begins the drill of questions and me pouring out to the doctor exactly what I am feeling, how I don't feel like myself, the side effects are increasing and its been almost 2 years out of chemo, the fear of recurrence has kicked into full gear. I can see the fear in my husbands eyes, the uncertainty that will unfortunately always be there.
I got to say I love and appreciate my oncologist so much, he listens and does not judge, he is reassuring and doesn't think I am CRAZY...because sometimes I think I am. He quickly told me that I should not panic and that he would run the necessary tests to rule out recurrence, which he reassured me a dozen time was highly unlikely. He scheduled a chest X-ray(lungs), CT-Scan of my head and nuclear heart test as well as blood tests. In the 4 weeks since I had seen him, all of my tests were done and completed, the anxiety was building up and I just wanted to know, good or bad just tell me something.
In the meantime, he asked me to stop taking my hormone blocker (Letrozole) to see if the headaches and pain would decrease, it helped with the pain, not so much with headaches. Unfortunately this is a medication that I will have to take for the next 8 years to eliminate whatever little estrogen that my body can still produce through my hormones.
So fast forward to this morning March 20, 2018 finally its RESULTS day and although I know in my gut that its going to be good news, there is always that small part of me that fears the recurrence. I sat in the waiting room, yet again looking around me and getting flashbacks of everything that I went through and how difficult it was was on me, my husband, my precious daughter, family and friends...there was no way this BITCH was coming back to take over my life and my body once again.
Finally, my name is called, I get up walk through the hallway saying all the prayers I can think of. I open the door, I guess he can see the look of fear in my face, I have barely sat down on the chair and he is says to me........ALL IS GOOD, N.E.D. (No Evidence of Disease).......let me tell you all, I could feel the weight literally leave my shoulders and I was able to breath again. All of my tests results were clear and I am still in remission 2 years later...Thank you Jesus.
So we made the decision to change my meds and try a different one for the next 2 months, as for my headaches a consult with Neuro was recommended to see if they are migraines. Speech, memory, pain, weight gain, emotional, physical and mental challenges are all struggles that I have to deal with on a daily basis, so i put a smile on and some lipstick and deal with them.
A surprising tidbit of info I did find out today was that my breast cancer was in fact a Stage 3 and not a Stage 2 as i always understood. I guess when you are going through something like this there is lots of info that gets lost or misinterpreted in presence of fear. I take it as a good thing, had i understood that from the beginning i believe the fear would have been on a much higher level.
I am grateful everyday for having had the blessing of beating this disease, but the ironically its always there....
Today is the first day of Spring, the flowers will soon bloom, if the snow ever melts, but they will see the light again and so have I.
Love you my rock for never leaving my side...
Franca
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