Post-Mastectomy lingerie.......

This morning I had my appointment with Julie Faucher, owner of Studio Equilibra, a boutique specializing in post mastectomy lingerie., sleep ware, bathing suits and bras, I made this appointment because I want my healing process after my surgery in 2 weeks to be as easy as possible, if that is even possible.  

I walked into a very quaint and calming environment, it is a one on one appointment, she is very discreet and sympathetic to the reason you are there, on another note she is also a 2 time breast cancer survivor. This boutique is a great place for women to feel assured that they are beautiful no matter what.

We chatted for a little while before she took out the camisoles and bras that would be fit for the post-mastectomy surgery. I had already seen some models online and knew what I was looking for. Since I will be leaving the hospital with drains, I want them to be less visible and in the way. The camisole is very comfortable and has a front zipper closure making it easy to put on and off given I will have an insision under my left arm for lymph node removal. Not only comfortable and easy but it has 2 detachable pouches for the drains, this making it easier to sleep with. I also decided to get myself a 2nd bra, almost like a spots bra but it ties in the front and I can also attach the drains to it.  So my decision was made and it was an easy one, Mme. Faucher made it such a pleasant experience for me, and I hope that other women will benefit from her knowledge and boutique. 

So my camisoles are purchased✔️, sleep ware for the hospital✔️, meeting the pre-op nurse on Feb 9 to discuss the procedure in depth and the big day Feb 12......

Please pass this along to any women that you know who can benefit from Mme. Faucher's Boutique.  

www.studioequilibra.com       or         bloguesrose.ca

The Plan is in Force....double mastectomy

Afer 45 minutes, not too bad, we get called into the doctors office.  He has all the final reports and results, the right breast biopsy came back negative to cancer, that was a relief, but regardless the breast is coming off.  All of my scans were clear, no lesions in any organs or bones, thank the Lord, but my dam lymph nodes are affected so they have to be removed.

In the end my uninvited guest is bigger then we thought, initially it was recorded at about 2 cm on The mammogram (bullshit) it's actually 6.5cm x 5cm and 2.5cm in thickness. That sounds about right, when I touch it it feels a lot bigger than 2cm. A mammogram nor the ultrasound recorded the proper dimension of it, the MRI gave it the accurate reading.

My decision was not an easy one with many factors to consider, my cancer being 95% hormonal means that as long as have one breast and my ovaries my risk of recurrence is elevated.  That was enough for me to make the decision that I wanted a double mastectomy and at the end of all this battle I will have my ovaries removed. Some people may think why, she is crazy, leave the other breast.  My view on this is simple, having to sit in a doctors office and have the wind knocked out of you to tell you that you have breast cancer or any other cancer are words that you never fathom hearing.  I don't want to hear those words ever again, and if I have a way of preventing it now, then I will. Cancer may or may not come back one day, but it will not be because I was not proactive at the time of the original diagnosis. So with that decision, my double mastectomy with lymph nodes removal is scheduled for February 12.  

In my house it's all or nothing, surgery on the 12th and I move out of my house on the 27th, I guess everything happens for a reason.  This move will be hard, but my husband is awesome and we have a great support team, but will make the battle easier...

Any of you who know me, know very well that I am a fighter.  I have been fight for 10 years with my daughter to get her to where she is today and I'll be dammed  if I will not fight this bastard with every part of me.  Will go through the ups and downs, but in the end I will be a "SURVIVOR". 

Thank you all for your support, awareness is so important.

Le Plan de Match...I hope

I am here once again at the Breast Clinic waiting to see the surgeon Dr. Gravel. My appointment is at 115pm and I am pretty sure I will not pass on time. Just sitting here waiting is enough to make me climb the walls. Just get this over with and let's decide on a surgery date so we can get the ball rolling. I am sure its not as simple as I make it out to be, although I wish I could open my eyes and realize this was a bad dream. So my husband and I wait, he is amazing. He comes to all my doctor appointments and records them so we don't miss anything. He is my world. 

To be continued....going to meet the doctor

Positive news....the best cancer

I have just arrived at the CICL, swiped my blue card, washed my hands and had a seat in the waiting room.  Amazing how quick we become accustomed to the routine of coming to the cancer centre for an appointment. 

I sit here and look around at all the people young and old, husbands, wives, mothers,fathers, daughters and sons accompanying their loved ones to something that should never exist, a disease that no one should ever have to live, at any age. 

 I listen to women talking about their experience and side effects, and they are now laughing about it. One lady talks about how she lost all her hair (everywhere) and how soft her skin was. Another woman talks about her nails turning black and almost loosing them. I can't believe what I am listening to, this will be my conversations soon. What a reality check...

We wait for my name to be called so I can get my plan of action from Dr. Bestravros.  I began to take my Tamoxifen last night and so far just a few heat flashes, not so bad. This drug will cut the supply of estrogen and progesterone throughout my body, so that the demon can't grow quickly. Basically I will be in menopause, my poor husband...lol

I want to run out of here as it were a bad dream but the reality is that it's not a dream and I have to go through this. 

My name finally gets called, we enter the room sit down and hold our breath to hear the plan. A sigh of relief when the doctor said that after discussing with the Tumour board and my surgeon that chemo at this point may not be very effective, given that my cancer is a low grade 1 and HER2- which is great news, but will be given in a lower dose after the mastectomy.  A very treatable and curable cancer, in Dr. B's words I have the best cancer one can get. I will take that with a grain of salt. Next step I meet with Dr. Gravel on Monday to discuss surgery and hopefully the results of my 2nd biopsy. 

What a relief, as crazy as it may sound. I have breast cancer but I have the best of it and I will kick its ass...you came knocking on the wrong door univited. 

Day 18 of 365..... Mixed feelings

So tomorrow I go in for another biopsy for the other breast.  In a recent MRI they believe to have seen something slightly abnormal.  And there go my nerves through the roof and the craziness of my mind in overdrive.  I know they are trying to be precautious and that regardless of the fact I am already in this battle.

I have yet to come to terms with this, I go to work everyday and people ask me how I am and I say good, but the reality is I am not good.  I want to yell, kick something, cry, and ask why but what good would that do me.  I have been dealt this hand and my motivation is that I will win it.  I am not superwoman and I do cry very often and ask all the why's, I would not be human if I did not. 

My husband is my rock and he is what is keeping me from crumbling, I know that deep down he is terrified  but he is so optimistic and positive as are all my friends and family and that is such a big help. My husband and I have been on roller coasters these past 14 years that most people would've jumped off without waiting for it to stop. He is my best friend and soulmate, like ying and yang we complete each other and I love and adore him to infinity and beyond. 

I am a very positive person but sometimes it is hard and the reality of the disease comes to mind and all the statistics.  I heard on the radio this morning that every 2 out of 5 people will be diagnosed with some sort of a cancer, that's when it hit me, fuck I just became a part of the 2 that nobody ever wants to be a part of. I found that hard to swallow and the anger built up in me as I drove, I had to remind myself that I would not let this consume me and I would take control of my life and not vice versa. 

So tomorrow I get poked and sqished for a better tomorrow 

Ladies don't forget to touch your girls.....

Oncology 1st encounter..

So today was the day that I met with the oncologist at Cite de la Sante (CICL) Dr. Alain Bestavros.  I get to the cancer centre and give my name, they take my hospital card and stick a barcode on it.  Seems like every time I go back all I have to do is scan my card and it automatically registers that I have arrived for my appointment.  I am standing there with a knot in my throat and trying to not look around, I don't want to see the obvious, people waiting to get their treatment.  Up until today it was still very surreal for me.

So my husband and I took and seat and waited to be called.  As I sat there in the waiting room, I could not help but look around and wonder what was their journey.  It was so hard for me to hold back the tears from just falling from my eyes, I felt like I was choking. This is something I never fathomed could happen to me, but we are not invincible. God has a plan for all of us, we take it and grow from it. Our faith is what gets us through anything, although I was very angry at him, but he gives us what we can handle is what I have always said.  

We finally get called after what seemed like an eternity but was 15 minutes.  Dr. Bestavros informs me quickly that the cancer has not matastisized to any other part of the body, what a sigh of relief for both my husband and I. I told him I wanted the demon out, he laughed and called it the same throughout our conversation.  He was very easy to talk to, he took the time to listen to our concerns and answer all our questions.  He did reassure us that my cancer is a low grade 1 at stage 2 and very curable. He has no doubt that I will beat this demon.  I will meet with him again next week after another biopsy on the other breast for precautionary measures. 

So in the end I have Stage 2 Grade 1 invasive Lobular Carcinoma ER/PR+, still waiting for the HER2 results with 3 lymph nodes affected.  I start on Tamoxifen as of next Wednesday, it is a treatment to block the actions of estrogen in my body since my cancer is hormonal, so basically I will go into early menopause.  This will be for the time being until the course of action is discussed amongst the team of doctors.  I will opt for a double mastectomy because the risk of recurrence is very high, as well as have my ovaries removed at the end of the treatment. So much information to take in but as my doctor said, one step at a time and one day at time is the only way to beat this.  Think of today because tomorrow is unknown...

All or nothing...

Yesterday I had my appointment for my nuclear scan of the lungs and also had my abdominal ultrasound done.  I am happy to say that the doctor who performed my ultrasound confirmed that their are no metastatic cells on my liver, stomach and kidneys.  What a sigh of relief that was to hear, some good news filled with hope of a great outcome.  But i will not breathe too easily just yet, i have to get my results of other tests to see if it has spread to my bones, lungs and blood.  I have such faith that this demon will not win this battle.

In our house it has always been all or nothing, no time to process anything and onto the next. We finally got an offer on our house that we have been trying to sell for sometime now.  We are pleased to announce that we have signed and agreed upon the terms of the sale and inspection of our property.  This, I will jump for joy, knowing that we can finally move into our new place and that life will be so much easier for our daughter.  No stairs to carry her up and down, a beautiful big shower to adapt for her needs and a better quality of life for all of us.

I guess that with a negative there is always a positive.  This was weighing heavily on my husband and I, trying to figure out how we would manage with our daughter while I am in treatment and too tired to carry her down the stairs to the bus or in too much pain from the surgery to bathe her.  All that is one major weight lifted off of our shoulders.  God works in his own ways to help the process of life, good or bad faith is so important.

So tomorrow is my first appoint with my oncologist, i guess he will have the rest of my results and we will discuss treatment plan.  This is still so unreal to me and hard to believe that I have breast cancer....never thought i would utter those dreadful words.  What is getting me through this is my support team of my husband, daughter, family and friends...i love you all very much, you know who you are..

So wish me luck for tomorrow........

Breast MRI

Today I had my breast MRI and it was an experience in itself.  I had to lay flat on my stomach with my arms over my head and my breast hanging out of two open areas for imagining.  The test was 45 minutes, I thought my arm was going to fall off from numbness.  The technician kept telling me not to move, easier said than done when your arm is numb and at that moment your nose is itchy.. In the end it got done and another one off the list.  Sunday morning an upper chest nuclear scan and then I meet with the oncologist on Tuesday.

Everything is going so fast, I sometimes feel I am in a bad dream and I can't wake up.  I will not complain, the service, efficiency and promptness has been remarkable at Cite de la Sante. I go about my day and sometimes have to remind myself that I have Breast Cancer, I have not fully processed this yet, or maybe I don't want to process the reality.

I have breast cancer, breast cancer does not have me...........

Back at work

Today was my first day back at work after the news that I received.  I had already informed my colleagues of my diagnosis and they are extremely supportive.  I work for an amazing company whom is always ready to help in any way they can, even if it is just a phone call.

I thought I would have had a harder time but I was pretty good.  It was a distraction, I spoke to very few people about my diagnosis and all very very positive.  That is what I need right now, positive energy and good aura to surround me and my family.

Sometimes I stop and think to myself this is not happening, but then reality kicks in and I say oh shit this is real.  This unwanted guest invaded my body and I will kick the shit out of it.  It is a roller coaster process, and I am sure every step of the way through surgery, chemo and radiation will be just as surreal.  I need to take deep breaths and keep telling myself that I will fight this like a bitch, and I will win.

Juicing....

January 3, 2016

I have done lots of research and began following other cancer patients blogs and juicing is the thing to do.  Get the nutrients in your body to help you when the Chemo treatments start, it also helps strengthen your body.

So of course my husband went out and bought me what he named "The Beast", and also came home with bags of green veggies and fruit to juice.

Let the juicing begin....I started on Sunday morning with 3 kale leaves, 3 celery stalks, 1/4 cucumber and 1/2 a green pear....it was surprisingly quite good.

Page 1 of a 365 page story

January 2, 2016

The holidays are behind us and I have yet to tell my mom what is going on....:(

It has been a very difficult few days, we have yelled, cried and cried and have yet come to terms with this demon.  But what I keep telling myself and my husband is that I will fight this like a BITCH.

It is so surreal and unimaginable....I feel numb at times, I feel like how can I have this in me and not know or feel anything....I want the bastard out....I am angry and I question God as to why me again...enough is enough.

But then I tell myself I could have gotten a worse diagnosis, something untreatable or inoperable, therefore I will fight this like a BITCH.

It is so hard for me to talk about this to friends and family, I immediately begin to cry, I tell them I feel like I am in a bad dream that I can't wake up from.

The time has come to let my mom know the news....we went over and my brother and sister-in-law were also there, I could not do it...the words would not come out of my mouth.  I signaled my husband to open the conversation, I think he wanted to kill me, I had put him on the spot.  He was amazing, he broke it slowly to her and kept telling her that it was treatable and that I would be ok, it would be a long year, but most importantly we will get through it.  She broke down and understandably so, I am a mother and it would kill me....but my mom is a strong woman and she told me you fight and I take care of your daughter.  We have had a very rough patch in the past, today she is a rock and an amazing support for my daughter.

I WILL FIGHT THIS AND I WILL WIN.......

I have an amazing support team starting with my husband, family and friends and that is what will get me through this.

The RESULTS

December 30, 2015

One day before the start of a new year and new beginnings, out with the old and in with the new.

So many emotions are running through my mind, what is it, how will I fight, how hard will it be on my family, but the only thing that kept me going was and is my husbands support.  So I knew that if the results were bad I had to fight hard for him and especially for my little girl.

My husband and I waited patiently in the waiting room of the breast clinic at Cite de la Sante, my appointment was at 10am, it was almost 11 and we were still waiting. Finally my name gets called and we enter the room.  There is a 3rd year resident who greets us and asks us to have a seat and begins to ask me some questions, he examines my breasts and Dr. Gravel walks in just as the results are being given to me.

Dr.G is of a certain age and very soft spoken, and that is when the words came out of his mouth that the biopsy confirmed cancerous cells in my left breast as well as my lymph node.  My world stopped for a few minutes and all I heard was nothing, it was like I temporarily lost my hearing.

The words "carcinome lobulaire infiltrant" invasive lobular carcinoma, estrogen/progesterone+ with positive cancer cells in the lymph nodes as well.  It is a type of cancer that is almost always missed on mammograms and difficult to detect on an ultrasound.  I am very lucky to have found it and reacted quickly.  All I could think was that I had a monster inside me and I wanted it out.  How is this possible, I am 40 years old, no previous medical history, why is this happening to me.  This should not be happening to anyone.  

The doctor was very optimistic in informing us on several occasions that it is a type of breast cancer that is treatable with a variety of options.  The next step would be MRI, Scan, bone density and abdominal ultrasound....to be sure the unwanted breast guest has not decided to poke its nose anywhere else.

Options:
1. Lumpectomy or
2. Full mastectomy
3. Chemo therapy and possible
4. Radiation therapy

What the fuck.............information overload.

After all that was absorbed we moved into another room and met Diane, the clinical nurse.  She was a very sweet lady who took her time and explained over and over and answered all of our questions.  She provided us with a folder filled with information and pamphlets, things I never imagined I would have to look at.

Off  we leave with lumps in our throats, tears in our eyes but an unimaginable ache in our hearts.

We know that we have an amazing support team and together we will kick ass....

Holiday Season....

The waiting is very hard and agonizing, I just want the dam results and know what I am dealing with....

There are so many unwanted images and ideas running through my head, my husband is also very nervous and this is putting a strain on my daughter, she senses our tension and is not reacting very favourable.

I don't understand how they can let anyone wait so long for test results, but they were closed for the Christmas holiday, there should be no holiday...just give the patient their results and make it happen quick.

There were lots of tears shed for the unknown....

So Christmas is around the corner and I decided to distract myself by hosting Christmas Day at ur house, it was a very happy day.  At this point everyone who was at my house except for my mom knew what we were going through.  It was so hard to keep a poker face but I wanted yo be sure what I was dealing with before breaking her heart.

One more week and I will have the results, I knew in my heart that the news would not be good.  My husband was so optimistic and kept telling me that it would be alright and all would be ok.  I think that deep down he knew also but he needed to keep me thinking positively.

Biopsy day...

December 9, 2015

After a difficult night, I woke up got my daughter up and ready and took her to my mom(school strike week). I went off to work and went about my morning as normal as possible, or at least I tried.  I left the office at noon and headed for the hospital on my own...my husband insisted in leaving work to accompany me but I wanted to do this on my own.

I get to the hospital and register at the Breast Clinic, the lady asks me to undress from the wait
At up and to wait in the waiting room.  As I entered the waiting room, it was full of women and I wondered what was their story or journey.  Finally after a long wait they called my name, off to get my girls squished once again before the biopsy, a little painful but more uncomfortable.

So I get called into the ultrasound room where a very nice and sweet technician explained to me step by step what was going to be done.  I had already been through a biopsy in 2006 for a fibroadenoma in my right breast.  So, she does an ultrasound of my right breast and all seem good, she then moves on to the left breast, where the unwanted guest is residing.  The radiologists comes in, takes a look and explains the procedure, in my head I want yo tell him just hurry up and get this over with.

He begins my double checking the ultrasound and the. Shows me the needle that will freeze my lymph node, ouchhhh and then I felt nothing, he froze my breast and all was great.  He began by extracting 3 biopsies from my lymph node, I felt absolutely nothing.  Then, he moved to my breast, holy cow the first shot was so painful I yelled, the other 2 were not so bad.  And that was it....

Got out of the room and met with the Clinical nurse whom gave me an appointment on December 30 to go get my results...she took down some information and asked a few questions regarding medical history and that was it.

They send me back to the changing room, as I am in there I text my husband to let him know that I was done...he texts me back. "I am here". I got out of the changing room and he was standing there waiting for me, he drove like a madman as soon as he finished work to meet me at the hospital. He is amazing...

Now we wait for 3 weeks.........

The call.......

December 8, 2015

I had not yet heard from any of the hospitals for an appointment for my biopsy, suddenly I received a call from Cite de la Sante informing me that they have a spot for me, the next day at 2pm.  So many thoughts are going through my mind, but I definitely said yes I would take it.  I was so nervous all day, I had to take my daughter to her Neuro appointment and needed to be in shape to speak to her doctor.  While I am a the children's I get a voicemail message from the Jewish offering me an appointment for the week after on Dec 15/2015 for the biopsy.  Now I am freaking out, what do I do, where do I go.....I discussed it with my husband and we decided I would not wait another week and that I would go to Cite de La Sante the next day.

I tried to contact the Jewish to let them know but no answer and return phone call.  I did not want to loose my chance of a possible second opinion.

I was so nervous all night, I went into work the next day and left at noon to go get my breast biopsy done...

Tic toc tic toc....

November 30, 2015

It has been 4 days since my mammo and ultrasound and I do not have the results yet.  I am at the clinic with my mom on this early morning, she has no idea what is going on, my cellphone rings and my heart skips a beat.  I move out of the room and take the call, it is my GP letting me know that he received the results and that a biopsy is strongly recommended. A tumor like mass of 1cm x 2.4cm was found with a possible travel to the lymph node.  At this point I feel my eyes water up and information is fed to me but not grasped. All I understood was that my results would be sent to the breast clinic at the RVH (Glen) and that they would contact me for the appointment within a few days. So we wait.........

December 2, 2015

My husband is impatient at this point and calls my doctor to find out how long before the RVH will call us.  The secretary calls me and tells me that I have to go the RVH and bring them personally by results and reports as well as CD of the mammo and ultrasound.  This is at 10am and I am told it has to be done before noon or I will have to wait until the following Monday. I leave work in a hurry, thank God I had all my papers with me and head straight to the Breast Clinic to drop off documents they should already have.  Of course when I get there, they have no knowledge of my documents and they tell me that it won't be before mid-January 2016 for a biopsy appointment.  I thought to myself, are they freaken nuts....

I went back to the office and decide to ask for help from my boss in trying to get an earlier appointment  at another hospital.  At the same time I contacted Cite de la Sante and asked how to go about getting a breast biopsy.  I faxed all the information and reports directly to the Breast Clinic.  The request at the Jewish was put in quickly and I personally dropped off the papers on December 4, 2015. They informed me that it would be triaged and that they would contact me according to priority......obviously I felt I was priority but I understood that there are worse cases.

The unwanted guest...

November 22, 2015

A normal Sunday afternoon at home with my daughter and husband turned into a heart stopping vision.  I often do self breast exams to myself, in early October 2015 I had felt a tiny bump in my left breast. I did not panic and decided to keep an eye on it of a few days, after a few days I no longer felt anything therefore forgot about it.

On that Sunday afternoon of Novemver 22, 2015 while getting undressed I happened to be facing a mirror and my heart skipped a beat.  My left breast had retracted and slightly shrunk in comparison the the other.  I quickly placed my finger over my breast and I immediately felt something that should not be there.  I remained quiet and said nothing to my husband, I did not want to alarm him.

Monday November 23, 2015 I immediately called my GP and scheduled an appointment for noon.  When I went to see him I told him about the breast issue and he had me undress and wait in the room.   He immediately saw what I saw, the retraction and swelling over the left quadrant of the breast from 1pm to 3pm. He had me dress and went back into his office, this is where I began my unwanted journey.  He informed me that I would have to have a mammogram as well as a breast ultrasound and a possible biopsy if required.  In my heart I already new that this unwanted specimen was not something good.  That same day I went back to the office and made some calls for a radiology clinic that would not make me wait weeks for my mammo.  I was fortunate that one of the clinics was available to see me the same week.  

At this point I knew I had to tell my husband, so I waited until after dinner and after I had put my daughter to bed.  I went downstairs and told him we needed to talk, I told him I wanted him to look at my breast and I saw the panicked look in his face before he even looked at my breasts. Once he saw the evident, I told him that I had already been to the GP that morning and that tests had to be done.  The fear in his eyes was heartbreaking, but the love and encouragement was exactly what I needed.

So on November 26, 2015 I went in with a lump in my throat and had the tests done.  When the ultrasound was completed I asked the radiologist (Doctor) if I should be worried.  Basically she pulled the rug right out from under me, it was a good thing I was still lying on the bed.  She quickly without hesitation said to me that yes it is worrisome and that a biopsy should be done ASAP, as well as treatment options.....and that is when I heard nothing else but felt warm tears fall from my eyes all over my face.  All I could think about was my husband but most of all my beautiful special needs daughter of 10 years old....the thoughts were in overdrive.  I had to contain myself, get dressed and get to the office to work my day...not an easy task.